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“Whaaaa?!” “Don’t act like you didn’t know your friend, Cindy here is transsexual. Her dick is as big as yours.” I was floored or “patio-ed” or whatever one might say outside on a restaurant deck. PAGE THREE “How?... I mean whaaa?... or, can somebody explain what’s going on here?” Cindy finally spoke up. “Look, Will… I’m not who you thought I was. I thought you knew… as you can see, everyone else on the Librarian side of OCLC knows. I guess I thought you did too.” “But we were going to have sex…” “Ahem…” the two people at a neighboring table both cleared their throats in unison at my blatant confession. “I know, Will. And it would have been great too. I was going to enjoy that cute ass of yours… and then I was going to tell you that this probably would be our last date. But… I guess my trannie friends beat me to the punch.” “Fuck the punch! I just want to know what you were thinking when you were sucking my dick last weekend?! How could you lead me on like that?” A few more throats. My mind blanked out every other aspect, every other possible problem, every other realistic event. I lived totally in the moment. And then it ended. Like the click of a locked door on a jail cell. To say I was devastated sounds so trite. I couldn’t stomach food for three weeks. I couldn’t stand to be in the kitchen cooking dinner for my family. My stomach kept heaving. I picked at pathetic morsels I’d put on my plate so my family wouldn’t notice. I lost weight rapidly, my cheeks became gaunt and my hair and skin looked lifeless. I went for my nightly walks, taking the dog with me. I sat on the bank’s edge by the creek and bawled my eyes out. My family needed me, but I couldn’t give them anything of myself. I had nothing to give. Why me? Why the hell me? Why let me fall in love so deeply, only to take it away from me? I couldn’t come to terms with the loss at all. At any point in any day, I would burst into tears. The loss of control I felt when these tears smothered me, scared me to.
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