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’ I cried and laughed at the same time. ‘Nothing can take away the pain. Not even sleeping with you.’ I could see tears in her eyes and she smiled. ‘No, not even sex can take away the pain of losing someone.’ She held me close and my throat closed up. I don’t know how long I cried on her shoulder. I felt like Sharon had just left me that morning. All the pain tore at my insides again. She led me back to the couch and poured herself a drink of vodka. She looked me in the eye and tossed it back. Then she just held me. I cried again until, as suddenly as they came, the tears were gone and I felt drained. Emotionally drained. I considered kissing her and I rejected it. I didn’t need a sympathy fuck, even if I could have lured her into my bed that way. I needed to be wanted for my own merits, not given into for sympathy. Even if I didn’t scare her off. Pushing her back, I wiped my face. ‘Why is it all the good girls are straight?’ I joked. ‘I find one and she has a man in her life. What. She never mentionedit, though, and acted as if everything were okay. Not once,in later life was the subject ever brought up. Not once,either, did I ever try again to peep at Beth.Beth and I both finished growing up. I went to college andso did Beth. After we finished college, I got a job in LosAngeles and Beth in Philadelphia. We saw each other only onvisits back to the farm, and gradually we drifted apart, withoccasional letters being our only contact.Neither of us married. I don't know what reason Beth had forstaying single, but my reason was shyness around girls and arather plain appearance. Also, in my mind the ideal girl wasone just like Beth, and I could never find a girl thatmeasured up to her standards. We may have no longer beenclose to each other, but Beth was still very much in my mind.In my pleasure fantasies, it was still Beth I pictured. Shewas my standard for female perfection and was the subject ofall my masturbatory dreams. I continued to keep a.
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