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Between your moms "job" as a surrogate, keeping her occupied, and your father and grandparents death in your early childhood you never learned. Not how to fix plumbing or the Air conditioner, drive a tractor, or how to hit on girls, kiss and take a hint. And since both the plumbing and the A/C was out you were sweltering in the heat, going to an outdoor toilet. There you often beat your meat, since you had no luck getting laid. Since your graduation from high school (C's get degrees!) your mom had become a far more common fantasy. Nut you supposed that your isolated living on the farm led to this. There were no pretty girls next door. There were no houses next door. Only acres, fields, brooks, hills and forests as far as the eye could see.But your uncle James, his wife Miranda, and their twins Rex and Rachel would soon be here. Human company! You would also get 20th century luxuries like a functioning indoor toilet and aircontion! And perhaps Rex and James had some tips for you.. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's.
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