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After all, I was NOT gay. How could I, of all people, be having these thoughts and feelings? I felt my mouth watering, literally, as I stared at this handsome cock. It must have been at least six inches long... and it wasn't even erect at this moment. My mind kept wandering away from the "real" me... my thoughts and even my actual desires were totally out of my conscious control. Was I really sitting here in a city police car, in full uniform, masturbating while looking at another mans cock? Was I honestly wishing I could suck on it like I had just seen him do to those other two men? I answered myself... and surprised myself when I heard my own voice saying out loud, "Hell yes! I want to suck a cock"! I was masturbating fiercely as I said it. It was as if I was watching a movie... like it wasn't real... but the stiff cock my hand told me the truth: This IS real and I DO want to suck a cock! There now, at least I had admitted it to myself!Suddenly I snapped back into reality. Where had. At 46 years old I felt like I was in great shape and still had many years of life left. I just wish those had been with Marie. My wife and I had always assumed that she had many years left since her family lived into their 90s. But then the breast cancer appeared. She had always been careful, doing all the self-tests recommended by the medical community, but when she received her first mammogram, they found that she had some cancer. It was not only in the breast tissue, but in her lymph nodes as well. It had progressed quickly and despite all the treatments she was dead within two years after it was found. It was the worst possible scenario for me. I couldn’t even properly comfort my daughter. She was in high school when it happened and I knew she missed her mother as much as I did, but I was useless for a while after her death. So the big question is: how do you start over at 46 years old having lost your partner of 20 years, the mother of your child, and the woman you still loved.
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