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I loved him but I had talked myself out of having any respect for him, I was so wrong to think those things. I would have taken all the money in the accounts, I would have smeared his name all over town. He only took what was his and did not smear my name to anyone. When you were born I knew there was something wrong with me, I could feel it. I KNEW. It was not my actions that I felt were the problem. It was the resulting STD’s from my actions, I felt sick inside. I felt the AIDS was there long before the tests revealed it. After everything, especially my misdeeds I did, I could not take you from him. You would not have had any sort of life with me. I knew that I was the lowest of the low, I was unclean and would never be clean again for the rest of my life. For the first time in years I thought of someone other than myself. I prayed for the wisdom and strength to do what was right for you and for Bob. During the night I awoke from a dream and knew that if I had any love for you. Tomorrow I am definitely going to go ask Irwin what the hell Ed is doing trying to wreck my family.One piece of interesting news: I've found a job. I pulled my old modeling portfolio out of my closet and took it to a local agency today. The director of the agency was quite interested, and said he had some upcoming jobs he thought I would be perfect for. Mom and Dad wouldn't approve of me getting back into modeling, but it's the easiest way for me to earn spending money. I'll have to tell them I found some other job to explain all this. Anyway, the director said he'd get back to me by email next week about what's available. I'm actually looking forward to modeling again, even if only a little bit in between my studies.Monday, 10/30 6:44 PMI spent the whole weekend trying to get Cindy back on the right track. No success, and I've got a mild case of eye strain from staring at that monitor so long. That weird flickering effect is driving me nuts.Brad isn't happy with me, either, for.
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