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I couldn't make her happy and setting her free was the best thing I could do for her. Even if it did hurt the both of us. It's better this way though. I can't even make myself cheerful at the littlest things now. How was I going to maintain a happy relationship when I'm hell bent on giving myself nothing but punishment?It's so sad that I let someone break me like this. Causing my life to turn upside down and make me hate life as well as myself. I can't even believe in myself anymore. I've lost the desire to create and bring laughter to others. I can't bring myself to want anything, to hope or even love.I don't deserve love anyway, not even love for myself. I did a horrible thing to someone else and deserve to suffer for it. Coincidentally, I've found a perfect way to do that. Sexual humiliation has become something I am rather good at taking and being used has taken over any of my previous sexual preferences.Finding the men is easy enough, especially when I tell them that I don't. We're meeting for dinner." Business?" Yes."I had dozens of questions, but they died on my lips. I really didn't want to pry, even though I wanted to know."Well, good luck," I said."Thanks." And I'll call if I need advice," I said. "And when I get back, of course." Great." She paused. "And good luck." Thanks."We said our goodbyes and hung up. I started getting out pots and pans for dinner while mulling over a way I could show Tina what I meant without words. Before I started cooking, I realized I was low on milk. If I was going to have to go to the store, I might as well do it for the week, I realized. I headed to the cookbook shelf to start to plan the next several meals.That's when I saw the cookbook Tina had made for me and it all fell into place. I could make Tina something. Something like what she'd done for me, that reflected all of our good memories together. Something like a scrapbook. Or a photo album.A photo album.I added an album to my grocery list. I wasn't sure Safeway.
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