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One of my favorite quotes on the subject is by the writer Neal Stephenson: “Where did all these people come from, and how do I make them go away?” What this means as far as Christmas is concerned is that even though I enjoy gift-giving, I absolutely hate crowds.When I was about thirty and single—in days before the Internet—I developed tactics for shopping that made dealing with the crowds easier. I didn’t shower, shave, or brush my teeth for three days before going out to hit the malls (in those days, a stubbly face was a sign of poor grooming rather than a fashion statement). On the fateful day, I dressed in raggedy, grubby clothes. A pair of jeans I’d dragged around the garage floor until they were grimy and reeked of oil and gasoline. A tattered shirt. A holey tee-shirt was the best, weather permitting. Then I’d chew and swallow three cloves of raw garlic, washing each mouthful down with a shot of whiskey. Finally, I’d take a fourth shot of whiskey and slosh it all around my mouth. She threw her arms around me and kissed me hard for almost two minutes. “We’ll get through this,” she said again.We tried to forget about the phone call and focus on the wedding itself for the next week. Like all weddings, there were plenty of last minute preparations to take care of.We had a table in one corner that wasn’t yet full and set Heather at that one. She hadn’t mentioned bringing a ‘plus one’, but decided to leave an additional empty spot just in case. We figured anything to keep her happy would be to our benefit.The day of the wedding came and everything went smoothly. We made the rounds to each table after the ceremony, with Jessica dreading Heather’s corner, but finally, we had to go over.Heather very politely shook Jessica’s hand and congratulated her. She introduced herself as an old friend of Aaron’s as if the conversation on the phone had never taken place. She gave no sign of having spoken to her at all. She gave me a brief, friendly hug, and pulled away. I noted.
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