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’ And what of these men who pass into the background noise of my head? Do they only wait for me to be weak and vulnerable? I care deeply and I deny not my love for the men I’ve shared my heart with. Mom taught me sex without love is a degradation of one’s soul. Mom, I really tried to love them all, but they couldn’t handle my wild heart. So if it’s just been sex, and all my unselfish gestures go to waste eventually, where do I turn now? It’s always been about him. Whether it was this ‘him’, or that ‘him’, didn’t really matter. I’ve poured myself into making it ‘work’ over and over only accomplishing to tear a hole in some guy’s heart and leave myself drained and devastated. I’ve spent the better part of my adulthood trying to convince my spirit that life was easier with a man by my side. At the cost of many self sacrificial moves, I’ve buried myself again, along with any resolution to my current conundrum. I found a needle in a pile of hay a couple days ago. I immediately thought of. I wondered over and found her looking aroyal blue four door Focus. "We are not here looking for you remember?"I said. Jenny looked up at me "I know. It's just that I was thinkingand I thought about what the doctor said about the safety innovations,"she walked over to me and pulled me in for a hug. "If it weren't forthose things I wouldn't have you to hold and kiss and love anymore. Iwant to make sure I am there for you forever. I keep having dreamsabout seeing your car all crumpled up there along the side of the road.I don't ever, ever want to have to worry about us again," Jen told me asshe and I shared a kiss. As we broke I looked deep into her eyes anddecided that everything I was thinking, trying to talk myself out ofmarriage didn't matter. All that mattered was the love we shared. Mymind was made up, now I had to convince her. Our little moment wasinterrupted when mom and Stan came and told us they were going to take atest drive. Jenny and I nodded and turned our.
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