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Since my childhood wasmostly a miserable and lonely existence,then, had the subject of mygender confusion been confronted by those adults to whom my well beingwas entrusted,then life may have been a little more interesting. Isuppose as it is with most children who suffer from this "affliction",(as I viewed it at the time) I thought I had the best kept secret in theworld. Only with hindsight as an adult did I realize it was the best keptopen secret in the world! The taboo subject never to be talked about inmy presence, but no doubt a topic of conversation discussed in myabsence. Looking back as an adult minus my childhood naivety I nowcomprehend all the innuendos and subtle mickey taking I received from mypeers and adults alike, not to mention the unexplainable hostility fromcertain quarters.Within that new found hindsight which comes with maturity of adulthood Ihad to dispense with the delusion that my mother had no idea of myinclinations. In my own defence I only knew her in the. I came and came again or maybe it was just one long one. As I recovered I apologised, fearful she’d leave but I heard her smile. ‘Not bad. We have time to improve on that.’ She removed the blindfold and crawled up over me to kiss my mouth, then she rolled to lie beside me. ‘Okay, as I see it, it goes like this. We’re body lovers now and we might become mind lovers, who the hell can tell? But you’re too long without discipline.’ She turned her head towards me – I was already looking at her. ‘Let me make this clear, it has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with Tilly. This is us. If you want to see me again,’ I went to speak but she literally clamped her hand over my mouth. ‘If you want to see me again ‘phone me tomorrow morning at 10 and say, “I want to see you, Lauren.” If you say anything else, even hello or how are you it’s over, understand?’ She removed her hand. ‘I understand.’ ‘I’m leaving now, I have a car waiting. Stay here for at least ten minutes.’ I watched as she dressed..
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