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I can't even find someone who is willing to hold me for longer than a few hours, without it being in between meaningless sex. Hell, at this point, even a friend would be nice. Someone I can just talk to who would be willing to listen and make sure I don't die from alcohol poisoning - or loneliness, whichever gets me first. I don't know how in the world I got to this point in my life but Jesus Fucking Christ, it sucks. I want my happy ending too, dammit. I want kids and a loving husband. A family to come home to that will be excited to see me with hugs, kisses and I love you's. I want my husband to come up behind me and hug me while I wash dishes in my sweats and an old, baby-stained, oversized t-shirt who never doubts that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I want to lie in bed with him on Christmas morning, giggling under the covers while we listen to our little ones slowly waking to see if Santa had shown up - even if we both had no sleep due to being up all night. I assumed Alex and Erin also got together without me. I wasn't sure I liked the arrangement, but I sure liked the variety.Did I feel guilty about it all? Maybe just a little, but this wasn't love. This wasn't anything even remotely resembling love. This was a friendly case of college lust fulfilled. Not ideal, but not bad, either. Hey, I walked around with a smile on my face. A lot.Soccer was over and finals were looming, but my friends and I still found some time for fun. There were a bunch of parties every weekend, frat parties and jock parties and street parties and bands playing at the bars around campus. I blew off steam by hitting some of them between periods of intense studying. I used my dorm room when Westy wasn't there, and the library or Alex's when he was around, lugging my books everywhere I went.The apartment above Bryan and Jesse's place was being rented by a couple of graduating seniors, so Spencer and I decided to rent it together for the next year. I was a little.
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