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We could not get enough. We behaved like a pair of lovestruck (and luststruck) teenagers, quite the pleasantest and most rewarding Saturday I had spent for years. Suddenly life with FUCK seemed good after all. More of the same on Sunday would have been most welcome but Wendy had a long-standing commitment to see her aunt in Sussex. Often I accompanied her on these visits because I enjoyed the drive and was quite fond of the old lady, but it would have been hard to reconcile it with the newfound necessity of ejaculating copiously every few hours. Wendy wanted to cancel and stay home with me but I said she ought to go and, as I was coming to expect, she complied with my wishes without demur. It was another blazing hot day. I knew I ought to go to Albert’s but Wendy had taken the car so it meant a bus ride and I found it hard to summon the energy. Eventually I left the house but as I closed my front gate I heard someone call my name. ‘Hello, James. Sorry to hear about your uncle. My. It?s being melty, dropping the defenses, andacting out of love.The only way to get love is to give love. The onlyway to have people open to you is to open to them.The only way to have intimacy in your life is to beintimate.These are simple lessons, but until I went all theway, pushed the pendulum all the way out and found myown center I couldn?t possibly act in a loving, openand intimate way. My pleasure is very much in givingpleasure, but until I could receive pleasure, be inmy own love, my own Eros, there is no way I could bein the love of others.You ask what I fear. I fear that I will crust up andstart living from fear again, like thosecrossdressers I see. I fear that my heart will bebroken one too many times and I will close it off,and that will close me off from the love in theworld. I have to be smart, sure, but not at the costof losing the feminine power it was so hard for me tofind.I?m a woman, I?m a goddess, and that means thatacting from the girl god space is the only way I.
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