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” I stopped to think. “Um ... I told you about cuddling with Lehani,” I said. “That’s all there’s been. I enjoy it, but I haven’t gotten much of a rise with her. She’s the only one I’ve been close to since ... since I was last with you. I guess I ... I don’t think I’ve even masturbated since ... Oh, God!”I broke down crying. I knew since when. It was in Oregon before I wrote that fucking scene. I kept pounding out words in the story. I kept finding more and more pain to write about and less sex. Even my readers were getting bored with Living Next Door to Heaven. And every day was bringing me closer to the moment that chapter would post.It didn’t help that I was down on the Oregon coast when I wrote the chapter, just a day before a crazed maniac let loose with a spray of bullets that killed ten students on a campus just south of where I was camped. And I wrote it in fiction, releasing all my rage through Brian who used superhuman powers to kill the fucking gunman. But it didn’t stop. To start with, I have a girlfriend, Tina, who I have been seeing for ayear and a half and with whom I am in the process of splitting up with.She is nice enough: a 21 year old student, curvaceous, with lovely blueeyes and curly hair, but she's a drip. When we met, on a night out inOxford, I thought she had more about her but time has proven that sheis just a little girl from a dull village in Warwickshire. So, I'mleaving her. Harsh I know, but then there's more.You see, from a very early age, I've wanted to dress as a woman. I'veeven had fantasies about becoming a woman. I've never acted on theseand it's messing me up, quite frankly. I told Tina recently and she didnot take it well - it simply did not compute for her. I suppose it'sanother reason for splitting up with her.There's another thing, though. For a long time I've been attracted toolder women. I love the sight of a woman in her forties who has fleshedout, maybe sags a little, but has still taken care of herself andclearly.
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