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But I sure could imitate one, and it could prove just as dangerous to come after me. I tried for a little while to put up the brave front. But the farther into the medical treatment, it went. The angrier I got, the more people tried to help me, the more my anger grew. The more that I could see people’s sympathy, the more I became incensed. The less that I could do for myself, the more depressed I became. The more my depression grew the more intensity my anger had. At the second round of surgery, the spiral was tight, hard, and fast. Depression followed by anger, sympathy/anger, dependence/anger. Flowers were out the door, followed by running visitors and then by nurses, broken glass in the hallway. Followed by another vase full, and another. It took Mary to get close enough to sedate me. A lot of the rest of that hospital stay just settled into a fog of drugs. My anger settled into white-hot coals, banked by layer after layer of ash, never cooling. However, it never boiled over. And unlike other gatherings, there was no one leading. In a sense the leader was dead, but Brother Joseph had never led gatherings, he just made them exist out of his brilliant, crazy mind.The mourners formed a circle around his ashes contained in an urn of earthenware made by one of the initiates, green flecked with white with three gold rings, one at the base, the second at the widest part of the belly and the third where the lid sat on the cup. Ten mourners had one of his ten books in which Joseph had created and developed and refined the Order, and among the eulogies improvised, they randomly quoted from them.There was every reason to grieve. Joseph had not made it to fifty when he died. From the age of sixteen when he broke out of a shell of loneliness, he had made many friends who loved him, many of those attending his funeral loved him as much or more than any one else in their life. Though a serious man, his liveliness and passion and surprising sense of humor made his.
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