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I guess it was indicative of just how wound I was. I looked at my brother, Kevin, and he smiled at me. He had seen me jump. He thought it was funny. I almost called him a bastard, but I did not. It was not like I did not want to play, but still….I clicked on the flashing tab and a window popped with a simple phrase: “Are you ready?” As I lifted my hands to the keyboard, I noticed a little tremor in my fingers, and I had to type very deliberately. “We are here, and I am ready to serve.” The moment I hit the enter key to send the message. I did not even know who or where the person was that was reading it. I just knew that this was like standing at the doorway of a perfectly good airplane and jumping out into the nothingness of space.It did not take long. The text said simply, “Turn on your camera and have Kevin move behind you to where I can see him also.” I obeyed. I did not always obey. Sometimes I just ignored him. But those times were when he caught me online and. Was making me come alive inside. I’ve spent so much time and energy on others, that I really forgot about my self. In 30 years, it was going to be time for me. What the fuck am I going to do now? After being on the group date circuit, I began seeing some of that crowd for coffee and maybe lunch or brunch on weekends. I was not serious enough for dinner and what ever came after that. That was going to take me longer to ease into. I was always a sucker to get laid, and I was not going to do it like that again. There was a woman that did attract me, and she was not running after me either. Kaja was a 5 year widow with kids and grandchildren in town, and another daughter in Florida with a husband, two 3 year old twin boys. That daughter wanted to have more. Kaja was a warm person, with a quick wit, blue eyes framed by her silver hair. She also had a slight Polish accent that I always find so appealing. Did I say that she can make blueberry perogies like no one else can? With sour cream,.
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