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Why hadn’t I noticed before? I probably had. But this time, I was different. All my relationships before Jeff had been based on what they could do for me. They might get something they wanted, but there was no real reciprocation. My concept of a relationship had not included mutuality. Now that it did, I was able to look at a man differently, even though nothing about him had changed. Etienne was charming and I could see that with all his qualities, he could be someone it would be possible and even reasonable to care about. That was it, that was what had been missing. When the entire focus of a relationship is what he can do for me, it isn’t possible to develop feelings for someone who is, essentially, a tool. Adding the concepts of what can I do for him and can I care for him, it’s not clear you can have one without the other. Nonetheless, Etienne was not someone I cared for. He was too far behind to ever catch up to Jeff. If somehow Jeff had not been a part of my life, Etienne. " The fluttering in her belly as she had read thosewords, the fear that made her heart race as she realized she had answered yesto at least 3 of those questions, the need she felt to not try to be so strongall the time and learn to trust in herself that someone else could be strongerthan her. Hitting reply to that email , filling in the blanks required, emailaddress, times available to reply back, job hours, nothing to personal, noreal info, no real names exchanged, just a simple reply, nothing to come ofit…right? She whimpers as she rolls over in the dark room,trying to stop her thoughts, remembering it all very slowly, the reply afterthat first night. The letter that asked for more info on her, her age, healthissues, family status, still nothing to personal. All stuff she could answerhonestly, hitting reply and going on about her life as usual, not really givingit much thought. Then the letters that got more in depth, asking her to writeout a fantasy she's always had, a sexual one..
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