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" she said. I walked over and sat down. "You look as lovely as a rose Tess." I said somehow knowing her name. Tess' cheeks flushed red and she moved one of her ebony tresses behind her ear. We sat and ate our picnic lunch, talked and laughed and drank the champagne. As day gave way to night she stood up and slipped off her gauzy yellow sundress revealing her naked body. We made love under a vast blanket of stars and fell asleep under the oak. The next morning I woke feeling very different, drained with a splitting headache. I sat up and noticed a massive wet spot in my shorts. "Wet dream, jeez it's been years since I've had one of those!" I said to myself. I walked out of my room and something caught my eye, a portrait I had passes at least a dozen times and never noticed. "In memory of Felix" was carved into a brass plaque on the frame. "He looks just like me!" I said scouring the painting. "That's Max's older brother!" I suddenly remembered a conversation I had had with my parents. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?Take my advice — I'm not using it.My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.I hate it when people use big words just to make.
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